Shameless self indulgence, Writing

The Following Things Betrayed Me Today

  • Genetics–Hey umm… RNA and DNA and chromosomes and Gregor Mendel and Charles Darwin—-thanks so much for this unholy mess that passes for my physical appearance. I appreciate this little genetic code that you’ve sussed out. No matter how much I work out I just get skinnier and smaller and paler and more feminized.
  • My Computer–all I want to do is apply to one f–king job and the thing keeps freezing up on me. Sure, I have a newer computer, but the old one has the Microsoft Word program that I need to type out the cover letter. Going on hour number two of staring at that cocksucking hourglass already.
  • Drivers in the Breakdown Lane— OK, I know that you’re technically allowed to use the breakdown lane during rush hour, but do you have to use it if all the other lanes are working just fine? Driving in it “just because you can” is stupid and shortsighted and  creates a crowded and dangerous driving situation. No one thinks you’re cool because you’re using the outlaw edge.
  • Genetics--Again, what is with this body? How can one person be so skinny and weak and spotted and pale, and not be classified as some sort of endangered bird?
  • Judas Iscariot— Just kidding, big guy. You’ve never done me wrong and you give the most wonderful kisses on the cheek.
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Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Facebook Status Updates I’d Like to Make

Due to the rules of so-called “polite society,” your humble Monkey can’t always say what’s on his mind when it comes to updating his real-world Facebook status.

People might complain if they knew what really lurked in the dark recesses of his Monkey mind.

So rather than posting these updates on a social network for the world to see (and pass judgment on), your Monkey will instead use this humble forum to get these statuses off of his fuzzy monkey chest.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

  • Would rather be drunk
  • Is drunk
  • Is pretending not to be drunk at work
  • Thinks your breasts are looking first-class today
  • Would like to dress the entire female population in yoga pants
  • Must have angered the turd gods
  • Thinks cannibalism is unfairly stigmatized
  • Is craving some delicious monkey meatballs
  • Wouldn’t mind some baboon baloney
  • Would have a hard time saying no to a chimpanzee cupcake
  • Stumbled across a pagan sacrifice in the park
  • Participated in that pagan sacrifice
  • Now owes a goat a serious apology