Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

The Following Things Are Wrong With Me Today

Your humble Monkey is not having the best Monday.

He woke up on the wrong side of his monkey bed, put his monkey trousers on one wrong leg after another, and greeted the day with a scowl, not a smile.

Perhaps these maladies (currently being experienced in glorious unison, like the world’s worst synchronized swimming routine) have something to do with it:

  • Full blown ABS (Awkward Body Syndrome)–It’s is real and it happens to Monkeys all the time. Symptoms include being incredibly skinny, lumpy and bumpy, and being unable to wear normal clothes without them hanging off his body more awkwardly than a hunchback in a hurricane.
  • Blemish on face just under nose and above lip–This is where your Monkey is constantly rubbing his hands while working at computer. Is it any surprise?
  • Overgrown hair on back of neck and ears–This became apparent after close self examination conducted in the bathroom mirror at work. Need to do some touch up work with the clippers, but one can’t really start doing one’s own hair at work, now can we? We will have to wait until the end of the day to remedy this situation, though by then we will have invented some excuse for why we don’t have to cut our hair after all. And so the cycle will begin anew tomorrow.
  • Chapped lips–Early season cold weather means lots of heaters getting turned on (powered up, not sexually aroused, you pervs). Dry winter heat means dry winter skin and lips. Also dry skin on back and chest.
  • Full Blown Narcolepsy— Perhaps your Monkey is just overtired for a Monday, but he can’t seem to keep his eyes open. They are burning red coals and the lids are heavier than 1,000 lead balloons. He would like to crawl under his desk and sleep on the filthy carpet of his cubicle. But he can’t.
  • Sweaty feet— Self explanatory.
  • Sweaty shins — Also self explanatory. But a little more unexpected. Why should shins sweat? Curious.
  • Sore knees— This ailment comes as an unwelcome surprise, seeing as your Monkey skipped all serious workouts during the weekend. Can one get sore knees from wallowing around in self pity? Let’s shoot an email over to the American Medical Association to see if we can’t find that out.
  • Full Blown Depression Is it any wonder?

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