Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work

More Facebook Posts That I’d Like to Make

From time to time, your Monkey is seized with the sudden impulse to post something on Facebook that may not be a wise choice for his personal and professional life. Sometimes these posts are uncomfortably personal, sometimes they contain opinions that the so-called “moral majority” might not agree with, and sometimes they are downright unseemly.

Therefore, in order to relieve his mind of the urge to share this information, your Monkey posts them here in the safety and anonymity of this widely unread blog.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

  • Would gladly accept a crippling meth habit if it could get this work day to go by faster
  • Is thinking about getting on the organ donor transplant list now (pre-need), so he’ll have a jump on the competition if any part of his body starts to go
  • Is likely to scream “don’t you eyeball fuck me” at the next person who glances too long at him in the company garage
  • Is going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and if all goes well, then take it higher
  • Built this city on rock and roll, along with steel, concrete, copper piping, asphalt and a top-notch urban planning commission
  • Doesn’t want to wait for our lives to be over
  • Just bought new screenwriting software but sadly finds his mind bereft of good ideas
  • Takes it personally when you change lanes without using your blinker
  • With all apologize to laughter, is pretty sure that medicine is the best medicine
  • Is wondering if anyone knows how long it takes for a balloon filled with heroin to pass through your system
  • Is thinking it might have been smarter to tie a tighter balloon knot
  • Is feeling incredibly warm and incredibly sleepy
  • SSsssssssssskghnnhdhahlglsawhef
Music, Podcasts, Uncategorized

Five Top Singles of 2011 That I Downloaded for Free (Legally, Too!)

Your humble Monkey spends a lot of time at work listening to music.

Since his addled brain needs constant stimulation, he is always seeking out new bands to listen to.

He currently subscribes to two different Song of the Day podcasts (Thank you very much KEXP and 89.3 the Current), and the following videos represent some of the best free songs that he has heard this year.

If not for these radio stations and artists giving away something for nothing, your Monkey may never have discovered these songs.

As an added bonus, you probably won’t find many of these on most critics’ top 10 lists, so perhaps you will find something here that you might have otherwise missed.

Editor’s note: Please, dear friends, do not think that all the free songs that come your Monkey’s way are as good as these gems. Your Monkey has had to kiss a LOT of frogs to find these princes and princesses. 

1. Austra “The Beat and the Pulse”

This Toronto-basedgroup makes some great atmospheric music that is part dance, part industrial gothic and part electropop.

This video is a little on the explicit side, so if you are offended by blurred nudity and webbed appendages you may want to proceed with caution. This is the “clean” version, too. For purists, the explicit version can be found with a pretty quick web search. That version apparently does not lend itself to embedding on blogs written by Monkeys.

Before you think your Monkey is just a typical male having a knee jerk reaction to a little female skin, you should know he fell in love with the audio version of this song long before he ever saw the video.

2. Fistful of Mercy “Fistful of Mercy”

This indie pop supergroup of sorts features Dhani Harrison (son of George), Ben Harper and Joseph Arthur.  This song features great chord progressions and wonderful harmonies, and this video does an awesome job of bringing together all the parts to make a whole.

3. Polica “Wandering Star”

This song is immediately striking, and this live radio performance is utterly unforgettable. Do not hate the voice altering vocoder, my friends, it can be put to good use. And for god sakes, let’s talk about the double drums for a second. They give you the chills. At least they should give you the chills. If they don’t, you may be a Blade Runner-esque replicant unaware of your own wretched artificial existance.

4. John Grant “Marz”

This song proves that lyrics don’t mean all that much when there is emotion and melody behind them. A melancholy piano backdrop accompanies a series of apparently nonsensical words and the effect is sad and bittersweet.  Here is a cool enhanced performance from the Later with Jools Holland show.

5. PJ Harvey “The Last Living Rose”

Ok, so PJ Harvey might be a little more of a household name than some of the others on this list, and her album “Let England Shake” is certainly well represented on top 10 lists this year. But this song is just too damn good to leave off the list, and your Monkey may never have fallen in love with it if he hadn’t gotten it as a free download.

Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work, Writing

Possible Titles for My Memoirs

From time to time your humble monkey has considered turning his tried and true adventures into an autobiography or series of memoirs that would act as an inspiration to the youth of America.

His humble rise from jungle ape to chimpanzee copywriter is truly the kind of Horatio Alger story that book publishers are clamoring for these days.

Plus, his struggles with depression and adult onset awkward body syndrome will surely generate some good buzz on the talk show circuit. Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil are you listening?

Of course, your Monkey cannot begin to put pen to paper until he has settled on a suitable title for his adventures.

The following are a few of the book titles that are now under consideration.

  • Mail Order Monkey
  • Monkey by Mail
  • From Chimpanzee to Chippendale Dancer: How One Monkey Defied the Odds and Subverted Traditional Male Sterotypes
  • I’m Your Private Primate
  • How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bananas

Other possible titles (more geared toward the self-help market)

  • Life is a Known Depressant
  • Things Couldn’t Get Any More Awkwarder
  • Who Shit in My Sandwich?
  • Each Day is Better Than the Next

Yet more titles (these one geared towards the narrow market of my neighborhood)

  • Things That I’ve Stolen From Your Yard
  • I’m Sorry Bob, But it’s Time the World Knows You’re Homosexual
  • Cul-de-Sac Confessions– How One Suburban Monkey Seduced An Entire Neighborhood with Wit, Charm and Ether Rags
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Lesser-Known Cousins of the Bluebird of Happiness

Sure, we all know that human beings used animals to represent certain emotions, political beliefs, economic attitudes and social themes. Doves are a symbol for peace, Democrats are donkeys and Republicans are elephants.

And who could forget that Bluebird of Happiness?

But speaking as he sometimes does for the rest of the animal kingdom, your Monkey would be remiss if he did not share his list of lesser recognized (but no less important) cousins of the aforementioned bluebird.

  • The Bear of Bad News
  • The Aardvark of Anti-Social Behavior
  • The Beaver of Bottomless Self Pity
  • The Cow of Catastrophic Thinking
  • The Egret of Regrets
  • The Rabbit of Repetitive Motion Disorders
  • The Ferret of Fetishism
  • The Llama of Lustful Intentions
  • The Goat of Gender Confusion
  • The Treefrog of Terminal Diseases
  • The Duck of Depression

Be on the lookout for these creatures! They are real and chances are one or more of them are lurking in your closet, bathroom or kitchen pantry right now.