Your Monkey has been working the Help Wanted ads in an attempt to find a new position that is a better fit for his skills, tastes and financial considerations.
It is not an easy process, my friends.
In today’s highly competitive job market, going on a job interview is similar to being set up on a blind date with a very attractive member of the opposite sex.
He or she probably isn’t going to like you to begin with, and making even the smallest mistake could spell the end of your chances.
Thus when your Monkey had a phone interview for a new position the other day and didn’t get called back for a second round, he had to do some deep soul searching to see if there was anything he did that might have been off-putting.
After an exhausting night of self examination, he was able to identify some tiny faux pas that may have negatively impacted his chances:
So that you can avoid the bitter sting of rejection that has shamed your Monkey today, here are some things to stay away from during your next interview:
- Saying “like” a few too many times
- Being overly negative about your current work situation
- Pointing out the areas in which you are underqualified for the role
- Continuing to eat your lunch of carrots, apples and taffy when the interviewer rings in
- Sucking on cough drops for the rest of the phone call
- Bringing the phone onto the toilet with you (even if it is only to go onesies)
- Hinting that it would be “real cool” if they could be flexible on the whole pre-employment drug screening
- Asking if the company health plan covers anger management classes, gender reassignment surgery, and/or tattoo removals
- Pointing out potential loopholes in the company’s sexual harassment policy
- Asking the interviewer her cup size
- Saying “hopefully out on parole, or at least under a cloud of reasonable doubt” when asked where you see yourself in five years
- Inquiring about the availability of a whites-only water fountain
If you believed today’s crass and simplistic television shows and movies, you’d think that zombies were just mindless automatons whose sole purpose in life is the pursuit of delicious brains to eat.
But that is simply not the case.
If you actually take the time to get to know a zombie– instead of just running in the opposite direction or trying to lop of their heads with an axe– you’d soon discover that they have a rich inner life that includes introspective thought, searching questions about the meaning of non-life, and a nagging feeling that maybe delicious brains aren’t all there is.
The following self help books for zombies have helped me to see these creatures as not just as re-animated corpses, but reanimated dead people.
- What to Expect When You’re Decomposing
- When Bad Things Happen to Dead People
- Our Dead Bodies, Ourselves
- How to Eat Friends and Marinate People
- Who Moved My Brains?
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Zombies are the Reanimated Bodies of the Undead
- The Road Less Stumbled
- How to Stop Worrying and Start Un-Living
- Eat, Prey, Groan
As your Monkey explained in his previous post, he often sees whimsical “I’d Rather Be…” bumper stickers on other cars when he is out and about. You know the ones…
- “I’d rather be…at a yard sale”
- “I’d rather be…surfing”
- “I’d rather be…in Colorado”
But your Monkey does not surf, does not visit yard sales all that often, and has no strong compulsion to visit Colorado.
Since there does not seem to be the perfect “I’d rather be…” bumper sticker for his unique tastes and hobbies, he will likely have to make his own.
Here is the list he is considering sending off to Cafe Press.
I’d rather be..
- sipping a latte
- doing the jumble
- dressed like Abraham Lincoln
- built like Mary Todd Lincoln
- robbing a stagecoach
- persecuting others for their religious beliefs
- shuffling pedophile priests between parishes
- orchestrating a Ponzi scheme
- outside the legal jurisdiction of the US government
- cycling onto steroids
- trading government contracts for cash and prostitutes
- the despotic dictator of a South American banana republic
- at a backyard cockfight
From time to time your Monkey will see cars on the road with those whimsical “I’d rather be…” bumper stickers on the back. You know the ones I mean
- I’d rather be sailing
- I’d rather be golfing
- I’d rather be in Cancun
That’s all well and good for some people, but what about your humble Monkey? He does not golf. He does not sail. He has never visited Cancun. Should he be denied the pleasure of a whimsical bumper sticker simply because his tastes are a little different?
The following are some more “lifestyle-appropriate” bumper stickers that I’d like to have made for my car:
- I’d rather be………playing guitar
- I’d rather be………walking my dogs
- I’d rather be……..quilting
- I’d rather be……..relentlessly promoting my right wing agenda
- I’d rather be…….bankrupting America by trading mortgage futures
- I’d rather be…….a member of an all male social club
- I’d rather be………tailgating you! Seriously, though, back the fuck off
- I’d rather be………carrying a loaded hangun
- I’d rather be………operating over the influence
- I’d rather be………stalking my ex-girlfriend from a distance closer than 400 feet
- I’d rather be…….conducting morally irresponsible genetic experiments on identical twins
- I’d rather be……poaching baby elephants to make tiny ivory piano keys
- I’d rather be………transporting a minor across state lines for the purpose of sexual congress
- I’d rather be………an unRegistered Sex Offender LOL!