The Grumpiest Monkey’s Guide to Life (Part 1)

From time to time your Monkey comes to some revelations about life and the nature of human experience on the big blue marble that is the Earth.

These “revelations” may be better suited to an anonymous posting here than on his personal Facebook page where everyone is so judgmental and preachy and so damn interested in their f–king kids already. (Seriously, what if there was a Facebook site for single celled organisms? Would they feel the need to post a 7,000 photos every time they split in two via cellular mitosis?)

So as a service to our regular blog readers (of which, sadly, there are still none), here are some handy rules of thumb to live by:

  • People who say that bad things “happen for a reason” are willfully ignoring the fact that random and unpredictable tragic things happen to us all the time. Assigning a “reason” to them gives us some comfort that we won’t be the next ones to fall victim to the randomness of the Grim Reaper. In fact, we’ll go out of our way to find a reason just so we don’t have to confront our own unpredictable mortality.
  • The shorter the school bus, the sketchier the school bus driver
  • There is nothing on the road that gets less respect than the yellow warning lights of a tow truck
  • U.N. Peacekeepers are the yellow tow truck lights of international relations. See Syria for example
  • The prouder you are to be from a certain neighborhood or section of a city, the worse that neighborhood/section is. (i.e.the Bronx, Brooklyn Zoo, Southie, Compton, Hell’s Kitchen)
  • People who brag about being tough guys are not tough guys (I’m looking at all you frauds who post their pushup totals in ALL CAPS on the Tough Mudder Facebook page. Get over yourselves already)
  • I may be crazy about my dogs, but not crazy enough to have a blog or twitter feed pretending to be speaking as my dogs (I have chosen the much saner route of writing as a fictional monkey)
  • If you give pets an adult name, they tend to act more mature. Horace the dog or Gertrude the cat is not going to get into trouble the same way that a Scraps or Scamp would. This is just good, solid science.
  • If you drive in the center lane next to a long line of cars waiting to exit the highway and then sneak over into the exit at the last moment, thus avoiding the whole line of traffic, then you should know the following a.) no one is buying that you do not know what you are doing b.) everyone thinks you are an asshole c.) at least one of the other drivers (usually me) kind of hopes that you will get into a crash.
  • Anyone who thinks government regulation is a bad thing need only look to New Hampshire, where people are allowed to create vanity license plates at no cost and come up with the stupidest f–king things that I have to try to figure out as I’m traveling along the highway. TWIITCH? REDCAR? Can someone please tell them to stop?
  • The older you get, the more you have to come to terms with the possibility that you may not achieve your life’s goals

OK, that’s about enough for now.

Stay tuned for Part II of this helpful life guide if and when more universal truths about life present themselves.

Sincerely yours,

Grumpy S. Monkey