Shameless self indulgence, Writing

The Grumpiest Monkey’s Guide to Life Part II

More of the wisdom that I have picked up on the highways and byways of this great land of ours. Feel free to use this advice yourselves, or pass it down to your children during one of those tender bonding moments I’m always seeking on old eighties sitcoms.

  • Renting a vacation home with your parents is a good way to feel like you are 12 years old again (even if you are a full grown Monkey)
  • No matter how close you rent to the beach, the walk back is still too far if you have sandy feet
  • People exercise much soooo more when they are on vacation then when they are at home. Everyone is up and out early jogging, taking walks, riding bikes and doing all sorts of stuff that they must never do the rest of the year. How else can we be the fattest nation on earth?
  • The following activities start off with the best of intentions and a solid game plan, but soon turn into a tangled mess of awkward angles, desperate thrusting and the vain hope that you’ll get the job done without embarrassing yourself 1.) eating a chocolate chip muffin 2.) vacuuming out your car 3.) making love to a woman
  • A car vacuum will be 10x more effective at sucking up the things you don’t want removed from your car (seatbelts, loose change, plastic bags) then it will be at getting up dirt
  • People who drive with their hazard lights on will try to get away with anything. Hazard lights are the roadside equivalent of diplomatic immunity. Need to double park and block in a school bus? Throw on your hazards. Drunk as hell and looking to drive 35 on the highway? Use them hazards. Just shot up some sweet lady H and need a place to nod off? Get behind the wheel and set them hazards a-blinking. No one will bat an eye.
  • Having a $100 a day heroin habit makes it tough to get dates on OK Cupid. Having a $100 a day heron habit, on the other hand, makes you exotic and interesting.

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