Shameless self indulgence

Random Thoughts That I’d Like to Post on My Facebook Feed, But Can’t

Your humble Monkey has had a buttload full of social media commentary this week, thanks to the ongoing issues regarding race and police in the United States.

The high and mighty on both sides of the debate have been reining down their opinions like a plague of locusts on your narrator.

This and other simmering frustrations have provided ample temptation for your Private Primate to lash out on his public Facebook page, but that seems like a recipe for encouraging more of the same vitriol that is driving him crazy.

If only your Monkey had some kind of roundly ignored blog that he could use to expunge these thoughts under the guise of being a cranky copywriting monkey. Wait one moment, he does! And this is it!

So here goes….

  • What satisfaction do people get in posting inflammatory articles about perceived injustices every single day on Facebook? Do I need my morningĀ  feed to be full of all the things that I didn’t know about that I should feel bad for not standing up against? It seems like the easiest guilt trip in the world to make. “Look how selfish you are for not doing something about this…” How about you tell me what you’re doing to stop this, other than clicking “share”?
  • Do conservatives realize that the same panicky messages they post about Obama acting like a king in making decisions without Congress are identical in tone to the panicky messages liberals used to post about George Bush and the Patriot act? And what will happen in the next election? The side that wins will go quiet (relatively speaking), while the opposing side will continue to wring their hands and predict doom
  • Is it just possible that what happened in Ferguson that day falls into the gray area between right and wrong? Unless we know all the details, is it possible to say for sure that the cop was in the wrong, or that the victim was completely innocent? Granted, we don’t want a confrontation between an armed police office and an unarmed suspect to end in a shooting death, but we also don’t want to vilify a guy if he was just doing his job
  • There are lots of things that need to be fixed in this country regarding race and crime and fair treatment under the law. But there are lots of other societal ills that need to be addressed, too. Sad as it may sound, a couple isolated cases of cops shooting unarmed suspects pales in comparison to the ongoing problems of violence in the inner city. Plenty of innocent people end up dead that way, and no one seems to march and protest and say “enough is enough”
  • On the other hand, the police and authority figures in general have to contend with a long history of abusing their power. Not saying it happens all the time, but it is easy to go from a position of authority to a position of abusing authority. The fact that this shooting created a great deal of scrutiny and public pressure is a good thing for keeping a system of checks and balances in place between the public and the police
  • Moving on to religion, your Monkey finds himself annoyed with the Jehovah’s Witnesses who spend every day trying to convert a rushing mass of uncaring, unresponsive commuters inside the train stations around Boston to their religion. Especially when if one takes a step or two outside said train stations, one can find plenty of people who are truly on the edge of society, struggling with addition and homelessness, that could truly benefit from some help. Your Monkey is trying hard not to be cynical, but perhaps these people go “unnoticed” by these witnesses to God’s word because they don’t have a lot of cash to contribute to a church?
  • People who cut in line are turds. Don’t think because you look around the room/store/bus depot with mock confusion before cutting into the line in front of us that we don’t know that you know exactly what you are doing. Knock it off or you’re going to get hit with a cellphone inside a sock.
  • Buying white socks labeled for “extreme sports” at CVS (local drug pharmacy) is about the least extreme thing one can do–but necessary if one forgets socks and wants to go to the gym
  • If you walk really slow in the city or a place of business, for crying out loud hug the outer edge of the sidewalk or corridor so that people can pass you on the inside lane. Don’t meander back and forth across the center line like a drunk after midnight on a dark country road. We have places to be and they don’t include waiting behind your slow ass
  • Don’t run for a closing elevator like it’s the last helicopter out of Saigon unless it’s truly necessary due to a medical emergency/imminent bowel implosion. And especially don’t do it if you are able-bodied and only going to the second floor. Come on, bro.

OK, that is all for today folks. Time for your Monkey to get off the therapist’s couch and back into the real world. Oh look, there’s an elevator about to close up ahead. If he makes a run for it, he just might get there….

Shameless self indulgence, Writing

Possible Reasons Why I Haven’t Posted in 101 Days

Your humble Monkey has been lax beyond description when it comes to this blog, my friends. It has been a whopping 101 days since the last time he posted, which is enough time for flowers to bloom and die, stars to grow into massive red giants and then collapse into white dwarfs, entire civilizations to rise and fall, and Herb Moskowitz of Brookline, Massachusetts to renew his license at the Massachusetts RMV (I guess what I am saying here is that the lines there are super long, LOLZ).

Who knows what bizarre new developments have arisen and what strange new worlds have come to pass since the last time your passive primate tickled the plastic keys of his keyboard?

You may have been wondering what your Monkey has been up to all this time. Was he called into service by a top secret government organization? Did he play center field for the Kansas City Royals during their playoff run? Was he instrumental in giving Republicans control of the House and the Senate?

The answer to all those questions is, sadly, no.

But here are some possible reasons why your Monkey has not posted in such a long time:

  • Crippling self-doubt and anxiety has made it impossible for your Monkey to think about adding new content to a site that no one seems to like in the first place
  • Empowering self-confidence has made it possible for your Monkey to find validation in his personal life, rather than in the impersonal world of blogging as a pretend Monkey
  • Skyrocketing banana prices have forced your Monkey to take on extra part-time jobs, thereby taking away any free time he could have spent on his blog
  • Plummeting banana prices have forced your Monkey to rethink his retirement plan
  • The sudden realization that anyone and everyone can have a blog has made your Monkey feel like his contributions to the world wide web are both insignificant and unwanted
  • Extra recovery time following cock-lengthening surgery
  • Extra recovery time following cock-reduction surgery
  • Unrest in the Middle East
  • Extra rest in Spain (those lucky bastards take a siesta every day!)
  • General malaise
  • Expired mayonnaise
  • A sudden, unassailable conviction that life should be lived in the moment
  • The sad realization that most of your Monkey’s moments are quite dull
  • Fantasy football
  • Fantasy foosball (much harder to find players to draft, but you get a lot drunker watching games)
  • Barre classes
  • Bar classes (in other words, getting drunk while gambling on foosball)
  • Ruben Stoddard
  • Ruben sandwiches (Sauerkraut and cole slaw? Come on, bro!)
  • Clay Aiken
  • Claymation (those California Raisins give me the creeps!)
  • Taylor Swift
  • Swift tailoring (thanks for getting my pants hemmed so fast, bro!)