Your humble Monkey has been lax beyond description when it comes to this blog, my friends. It has been a whopping 101 days since the last time he posted, which is enough time for flowers to bloom and die, stars to grow into massive red giants and then collapse into white dwarfs, entire civilizations to rise and fall, and Herb Moskowitz of Brookline, Massachusetts to renew his license at the Massachusetts RMV (I guess what I am saying here is that the lines there are super long, LOLZ).
Who knows what bizarre new developments have arisen and what strange new worlds have come to pass since the last time your passive primate tickled the plastic keys of his keyboard?
You may have been wondering what your Monkey has been up to all this time. Was he called into service by a top secret government organization? Did he play center field for the Kansas City Royals during their playoff run? Was he instrumental in giving Republicans control of the House and the Senate?
The answer to all those questions is, sadly, no.
But here are some possible reasons why your Monkey has not posted in such a long time:
- Crippling self-doubt and anxiety has made it impossible for your Monkey to think about adding new content to a site that no one seems to like in the first place
- Empowering self-confidence has made it possible for your Monkey to find validation in his personal life, rather than in the impersonal world of blogging as a pretend Monkey
- Skyrocketing banana prices have forced your Monkey to take on extra part-time jobs, thereby taking away any free time he could have spent on his blog
- Plummeting banana prices have forced your Monkey to rethink his retirement plan
- The sudden realization that anyone and everyone can have a blog has made your Monkey feel like his contributions to the world wide web are both insignificant and unwanted
- Extra recovery time following cock-lengthening surgery
- Extra recovery time following cock-reduction surgery
- Unrest in the Middle East
- Extra rest in Spain (those lucky bastards take a siesta every day!)
- General malaise
- Expired mayonnaise
- A sudden, unassailable conviction that life should be lived in the moment
- The sad realization that most of your Monkey’s moments are quite dull
- Fantasy football
- Fantasy foosball (much harder to find players to draft, but you get a lot drunker watching games)
- Barre classes
- Bar classes (in other words, getting drunk while gambling on foosball)
- Ruben Stoddard
- Ruben sandwiches (Sauerkraut and cole slaw? Come on, bro!)
- Clay Aiken
- Claymation (those California Raisins give me the creeps!)
- Taylor Swift
- Swift tailoring (thanks for getting my pants hemmed so fast, bro!)