Shameless self indulgence

A Grumpiest Monkey’s New Year’s Resolutions

Well, that time of year has come again, my friends. When the ball drops at midnight tonight, another year will be upon us, and your humble Monkey will have another chance to make some changes in his life. Usually, your Monkey will make some outrageous claims about trying to blog every day or to exercise more, or to be a better person, but we’ve all seen how that has gone in the past.

This year, your Monkey is committed to making some realistic resolutions that will actually make a difference in his life. So without further ado, here are his resolutions for 2015.

  • To appreciate being so outrageously good looking and uncompromisingly successful
  • To tone down a little bit of my rugged handsomeness and raw animal magnetism
  • To stop being so dynamite in the sack
  • To let someone else get the girl for once
  • To have a few less madcap, sexy adventures
  • To accept complements with grace and good cheer, rather than smirking and saying “Yeah, I know”
  • To finally give the world that novel they’ve been demanding
  • To write some Harry Potter fan fiction that doesn’t end with a gangbang at Hogwarts
  • To stop having outrageously torrid affairs with the older ladies at work
  • To stop working at the nursing home
  • To stop giggling at car accidents
  • To stop using my illegal stock market profits to prop-up the campaigns of ultra right wing candidates
  • To stop printing out and posting leaflets accusing my neighbors of being sex offenders
  • To stop hunting endangered animals for sport
  • To stop hunting the homeless for sport
  • To stop buying gerbils from the local pet store and firing them off the roof with my custom-made gerbil catapult
  • To stop recording and transcribing every episode of the 700 Club, and then re-enacting the show with my houseplant, “Pot Robertson”
  • To stop trying to grab the mailman’s hand when he puts letters through the mail slot
  • To shoplift a little less
  • OK, to shoplift a lot less
  • To stop rubbing against people on the bus
  • To stop rubbing against people at the bus stop
  • To stop rubbing against the bus driver
  • To stop calling strangers and moaning softly into the phone
  • To stop calling my parents and moaning softly into the phone
  • To stop calling  the bus driver and moaning—well, you get the idea

OK, my friends, that should do it to start 2015. An ambitious list, right? But one that feels, smart, realistic, attainable, and truthful to the Monkey I want to be. Wish me luck—though it’s not like I’ll need it.