Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

10 Minutes of Grumpy Monkey Fiction: Remorse, Amish, Ice Cream Shop

Ok, this one is not perfect by far, but I think we are getting closer to the 10 minute time commitment. This one took about 16 minutes (maybe 20 with last minute edits), and was based on the prompt “Remorse, Amish and Ice Cream Shop. Thanks and remember, it’s only fiction. :}


What can I say? The Amish have always rubbed me the wrong way.

Maybe it’s the beards without the mustaches. Maybe it’s the straw hats. Maybe it’s the fact that they were slow to take to Harrison Ford’s character in “Witness.” Maybe it’s the outfit choices. Or the repressive religiosity.

Maybe it’s because they can so easily forego all the technology that I can’t live without, and that makes me feel bad about myself.

I mean, I can’t go more than 5 minutes without fidgeting at some app on my phone, and these guys are entertained for hours by the sight of wheat blowing in the wind.

I start climbing the walls when our internet service goes down during a storm, and Brother Jeddiah doesn’t even know how to Google the word “internet.”

But the most likely reason for my being less than a fan of the Amish would be that I am a very impatient driver, and it seems like every time I’m driving around town in my truck there is a buggy smack in the middle of the road.

I don’t know if this is an Amish custom or just my rotten luck, but it seems like I always get stuck behind some guy who just can’t quite find it in his old fashioned heart to ride the side of the road like a gentlemen.

Instead, he cheats out towards the center until he is about a third of the way into the lane, making it hard for me to pass him without getting over into the opposite lane. This makes me late. I don’t like to be late.

And I really hate to be late when my wife sends me out for ice cream, because my wife loves ice cream.  Crazy about it. No, seriously. Bat shit crazy about it.

If I don’t get to the Baskin Robbins and back to the house before her mint chocolate chip cone starts to melt, she’s going to give me hell.

And if there’s one thing I dislike more than a bunch of old timely revivalists living off the land and helping each other put up barns, it’s getting an earful from the wife about melted ice cream.

So when I’m in a hurry, and there’s a horse and buggy in front of me, I get stressed.

And when I get stressed. I start to panic.

And when I panic, I make bad decisions.

That’s is why I sincerely regret the actions I took on October 26, 2008, and ask the court’s forgiveness.


Sorry I Haven’t Posted for So Long, But I’m a Monkey for Crying Out Loud

Hello members of Money Nation. It’s been a while. I feel like we never talk anymore. I know that some of you (OK, none of you) are wondering where I have been.

Where are those bad puns that you have never craved? Where are those music reviews that you didn’t want? Where are those Grumpy Monkey fiction blocks that you never read?

Well, have no fear. I am happy to report that your humble Monkey is back on the case, and ready to get back to doing what he do.


Gloomy Thursday (The Grumpiest Monkey’s Breakup Song of the Week)

Let’s face it — breakups make for bad times, but really good music.

There are so many great breakup songs out there that your humble Monkey narrator is feeling compelled to set aside some time each week to share some of his favorites with you.

We’ll start the series with this depressingly lovely gem from the Civil Wars.

As anyone who has been in a relationship that has proved to be both loving and toxic can attest, love can often be like poison and wine. 

Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Do You Suffer From These Embarrassing Conditions?

LST (Low Stink Threshold) — This term applies mainly to t-shirts and towels. It’s a condition where the fabric has taken such a physical beating (either through exercise or frequent wear) that it takes only the slightest bit of moisture, heat or activity to bring out the stink that hides inside like an unwelcome guest.

You can wash the t-shirt or towel and it will smell fine to the untrained nose, but the moment that you put it into action, the stink comes right back out again.

Once a shirt or a towel has developed an LST, I’m afraid the only thing to do is put it out of its misery.

ABS (Adult Onset Awkward Body Syndrome) –-This is a troubling condition that begins during adulthood in which your body develops a permanent awkwardness.

A young man suffering from this affliction finds it very difficult to purchase clothes that fit in the way clothes are supposed to.

Pants tend to sag at the wait, droop in the butt and drag on the ground, or else be too tight at the waist and too narrow at the ankle.

Shirts are too short at the sleeves, too big at the neck, or as long as a tennis dress. Tucking anything in is impossible because the waist is not a static object but a constantly shifting mix of ill-matched skin, bones and fat.

Those who suffer from this condition will often see a new shirt go from fitting properly to looking ridiculous with one washing.

An afflicted person can leave the house in the morning with clothes that fit suitably, only to arrive at work to find that his body has been altered in new and cruel ways during his commute.

What looked like a perfectly fine combination of khakis and a polo shirt back at home now looks more like a halter top and beige tights.

Sadly, there are no charity runs, candy bar fundraisers or weekend-long telethons for Awkward Body Syndrome.

But if we can at least get people talking about it, maybe things will change.

Awareness is the first step toward understanding.


Great Moments in Laundry History

Great Moments in Laundry History

On July 31, 2012, ten pairs of brand new socks gathered for a group photo before their maiden voyage into the washing machine.

Some of them, they knew, would not survive the that first cruel trip into the turbulent waters.

Others would stagger out of the dryer alone and confused, or turn up weeks later wrapped up in a beach towel with no memory of what happened.

All that was clear is that all 10 pairs would never be seen together again.


Businesses I’d Like to Start

From time to time, your humble Monkey has dreams of leaving his day job to strike out on his own as an entrepreneur. Here are some of the businesses that I have considered starting recently:

  • A cheese shop called “It’s All Gouda”
  • Another cheese shop called “Good, Feta, Best”
  • A third cheese shop called “Chedder Than Ever”
  • A lounge chair store called “The Butt Hut”
  • A florist shop called “In Your Vase!”
  • A coffee house called “Thanks A Latte”
  • A breakfast joint called “All or Muffin” or “Muffin But the Best”
  • An intimate Japanese restaurant called “Sushi for Two-shi”