Uncategorized, Work, Writing

Possible Reasons Why I Didn’t Get Asked In For A Second Interview

Your Monkey has been working the Help Wanted ads in an attempt to find a new position that is a better fit for his skills, tastes and financial considerations.

It is not an easy process, my friends.

In today’s highly competitive job market, going on a job interview is similar to being set up on a blind date with a very attractive member of the opposite sex.

He or she probably isn’t going to like you to begin with, and making even the smallest mistake could spell the end of your chances.

Thus when your Monkey had a phone interview for a new position the other day and didn’t get called back for a second round, he had to do some deep soul searching to see if there was anything he did that might have been off-putting.

After an exhausting night of self examination, he was able to identify some tiny faux pas that may have negatively impacted his chances:

So that you can avoid the bitter sting of rejection that has shamed your Monkey today, here are some things to stay away from during your next interview:

  • Saying “like” a few too many times
  • Being overly negative about your current work situation
  • Pointing out the areas in which you are underqualified for the role
  • Continuing to eat your lunch of carrots, apples and taffy when the interviewer rings in
  • Sucking on cough drops for the rest of the phone call
  • Bringing the phone onto the toilet with you (even if it is only to go onesies)
  • Hinting that it would be “real cool” if they could be flexible on the whole pre-employment drug screening
  • Asking if the company health plan covers anger management classes, gender reassignment surgery, and/or tattoo removals
  • Pointing out potential loopholes in the company’s sexual harassment policy
  • Asking the interviewer her cup size
  • Saying “hopefully out on parole, or at least under a cloud of reasonable doubt” when asked where you see yourself in five years
  • Inquiring about the availability of a whites-only water fountain
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Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work, Writing

My Business Plan (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Save the Octopus)

Your Monkey knew that if he lived back at home for long enough, a solution to his financial woes and career uncertainty would present itself. No, he will not be investing in gold bonds, corn futures, real estate or shipping companies.

Instead, he will be marketing a new set of “In Case of Emergency” stickers to your less traditional pet owner and collecting enthusiast.

Let’s face it, the current pet emergency sticker (shown above) is hopelessly and some might say laughably out of touch with today’s progressive pet owner.

Not every John Q. Pet Owner  has your standard dog, cat or bird.

And thus these ho-hum stickers may may leave out some pets that are now finding their way into people’s homes and are just as worthy of being rescued.

The following are the categories your Monkey is planning to add to his new “standard” pet emergency sticker.

In Case of Emergency, Please Save My:

  • Cats
  • Dogs
  • Rabbits
  • Birds
  • Ferrets
  • Lizards
  • Telepathic Octopus
  • African Killer Bees
  • South American Homicidal Hedgehogs
  • Electric Eels
  • Solar Power Salamanders
  • Coal-Fired Cuttlefish
  • Dodo Birds
  • Passenger Pigeons
  • Sasquatch Babies
  • Human-Ape Hybrids
  • Human-Alien-Hybrids
  • Human-Alien-Ape Tribrids
  • Gold-Hoarding Dragon
Audiobooks, Uncategorized, Work

The Best Audiobooks I Listened To This Year

Your Monkey has a looong commute to and from work every day, plus a 45 minute a day gym habit, and two dogs that need lots and lots of walking. So to make a long story short, he needs a lot of audiobooks to keep him entertained and educated while he goes about his business.

Picking out the right audiobook is a bit of risky business. You try your best to find something that will be interesting, challenging and engaging, and that will be worth your time for the 8-20 or so hours that you are going to be wrapped up with the author and the narrator.

That being said, the following books are among the best that your humble monkey listened to this year.

“The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival” by John Valliant

Your Monkey would normally not be interested in a story about the hunt for a deadly tiger (really? tigers? in this day and age?), but Valliant does an amazing job of capturing the remoteness of far eastern Russia, the deadly power of the Siberian Tiger, the desperate economic conditions of the Russians who live there, and how all three elements — land, tiger and man — interact with each other. It is a mesmerizing story and a perfect choice for the winter. You won’t be able to crunch through the snow without wondering if there’s a tiger somewhere in the shadows waiting to pounce.

“Columbine ” by Dave Cullen

A meticulously detailed account of what is perhaps the country’s most famous school shooting to date, Cullen does an excellent job of separating fact from fiction, dispelling myths, and pointing out the errors in judgement made by police officers both before and after the murders took place. We also get an uncomfortably close look into the minds of the two Columbine killers via detailed excerpts from their journals. It is a dark, sad and frustrating read, but worth it in the long run. You’ll understand what motivated the killers (it may not be what you think) and have a new empathy for the victims and their families.

“The Man in the Rockefeller Suit: The Astonishing Rise and Spectacular Fall of a Serial Imposter” by Mark Seal

Seal does an amazing job of charting the life and lies of most famous con-man/chameleon to be exposed in recent years. Rockefeller made his name by posing as a descendent of the famously rich Rockefeller family,  but was actually a German immigrant who lied his way to the top of high society several times over. Rockefeller, who gained national attention by  kidnapping his daughter “Snooks” during a supervised visit in Boston,  presents a maddening case of a man whose seemingly sole purpose on earth is to pretend to be someone  he is not.  What makes Seal’s book so unusual is that he merely presents the facts of Rockefeller’s case to us. He does not try to psychoanalyze Rockerfeller, or explain away his actions.

“The Murder of the Century: The Gilded Age Crime That Scandalized a City and Sparked the Tabloid Wars” by Paul Collins

It is just before the turn of the 20th century in New York City, and the headless torso of a man neatly wrapped in oil cloth is pulled out of the East River one sultry summer day by a group of swimming boys. The discovery leads to a riveting murder investigation, a sensational court trial, and a no holds barred media circus. Collins does an excellent job of presenting the facts and testimony of the case while concurrently charting the competition between New York’s two leading tabloid newspapers to provide the most complete coverage of the case. For anyone who thinks that the media is ruthless and sensationalistic now…you have another thing coming.

“A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World’s Largest Social Experiment Reveals About Human Desire” by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gadda

After America Online inadvertently leaked a Titanic-sized boatload of information about how people search for information on the web (and by information we mean pornography), a group of scientists used the  data to draw some interesting conclusions about what turns men and women on. The result is a fascinating look into gender roles, human desire, and how evolution plays a role in who we look for in a mate. You will not want to miss.

Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work

More Facebook Posts That I’d Like to Make

From time to time, your Monkey is seized with the sudden impulse to post something on Facebook that may not be a wise choice for his personal and professional life. Sometimes these posts are uncomfortably personal, sometimes they contain opinions that the so-called “moral majority” might not agree with, and sometimes they are downright unseemly.

Therefore, in order to relieve his mind of the urge to share this information, your Monkey posts them here in the safety and anonymity of this widely unread blog.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

  • Would gladly accept a crippling meth habit if it could get this work day to go by faster
  • Is thinking about getting on the organ donor transplant list now (pre-need), so he’ll have a jump on the competition if any part of his body starts to go
  • Is likely to scream “don’t you eyeball fuck me” at the next person who glances too long at him in the company garage
  • Is going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and if all goes well, then take it higher
  • Built this city on rock and roll, along with steel, concrete, copper piping, asphalt and a top-notch urban planning commission
  • Doesn’t want to wait for our lives to be over
  • Just bought new screenwriting software but sadly finds his mind bereft of good ideas
  • Takes it personally when you change lanes without using your blinker
  • With all apologize to laughter, is pretty sure that medicine is the best medicine
  • Is wondering if anyone knows how long it takes for a balloon filled with heroin to pass through your system
  • Is thinking it might have been smarter to tie a tighter balloon knot
  • Is feeling incredibly warm and incredibly sleepy
  • SSsssssssssskghnnhdhahlglsawhef
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work, Writing

Possible Titles for My Memoirs

From time to time your humble monkey has considered turning his tried and true adventures into an autobiography or series of memoirs that would act as an inspiration to the youth of America.

His humble rise from jungle ape to chimpanzee copywriter is truly the kind of Horatio Alger story that book publishers are clamoring for these days.

Plus, his struggles with depression and adult onset awkward body syndrome will surely generate some good buzz on the talk show circuit. Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil are you listening?

Of course, your Monkey cannot begin to put pen to paper until he has settled on a suitable title for his adventures.

The following are a few of the book titles that are now under consideration.

  • Mail Order Monkey
  • Monkey by Mail
  • From Chimpanzee to Chippendale Dancer: How One Monkey Defied the Odds and Subverted Traditional Male Sterotypes
  • I’m Your Private Primate
  • How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bananas

Other possible titles (more geared toward the self-help market)

  • Life is a Known Depressant
  • Things Couldn’t Get Any More Awkwarder
  • Who Shit in My Sandwich?
  • Each Day is Better Than the Next

Yet more titles (these one geared towards the narrow market of my neighborhood)

  • Things That I’ve Stolen From Your Yard
  • I’m Sorry Bob, But it’s Time the World Knows You’re Homosexual
  • Cul-de-Sac Confessions– How One Suburban Monkey Seduced An Entire Neighborhood with Wit, Charm and Ether Rags
Shameless self indulgence, Work, Writing

Things That I Could Live Without For A While

  • Coverage of the Republican primaries
  • The relentless, robotic optimism of Dancing with the Stars Host Tom Bergeron
  • Holiday Traffic
  • Weekday Traffic
  • Parking Lot Traffic
  • Jonah Hill (this includes older, chubbier Jonah Hill and new slim Jonah Hill, as well as the animated voice of Jonah Hill)
  • The local news
  • National cable news
  • Twilight sagas
  • Social media blogs
  • “Copy and paste” form letter Facebook status updates expressing support for obvious causes (i.e. “re-post this if you don’t want puppies to be kicked”)
  • That  Geico caveman (OK, the joke that was mildly funny to begin with has been beaten to death, resurrected, and beaten to death again). Just stop it already.
  • Black Friday Sales (if you all want to line up like sheep at the buttcrack of dawn and elbow each other in the face in a desperate attempt to buy something at an artificially discounted price, be my guest. It’s gross and gluttonous behavior. I’ll be sleeping in.
  • That being said, if you do go out on Black Friday and see a good deal on a flat screen TV, could you grab me one? Thanks!
Uncategorized, Work, Writing

This Workday Brought to You by the Letter “C”

Things at my workplace today could best be described using the following “c” adjectives:

  • Crabby
  • Cranky
  • Chaotic
  • Crusty
  • Counterproductive
  • Cadaverous

Things beginning with the letter “c” that would make my workday better:

  • Cookies
  • Cupcakes
  • Cheerleaders
  • Catapults
  • Cows
  • Cucumber sandwiches
  • Cat Fancy Magazine
  • Chestnuts (roasting on an open fire)
  • Coors Lights
  • Caramel lattes
  • Cardinal Bernard Law

That is all.