Shameless self indulgence, Writing

Even More “I’d Rather Be…” Bumper Stickers I’d Like To Make

Your humble Monkey spends a hell of a lot of time driving these days. A two-hour, traffic-snarled commute to work each morning followed by an hour-long commute back home gives him lots of time to think.

And lots of time to stare at the back of other people’s cars, where the  bumper stickers and stick figure families become one of his few sources of entertainment during the endless grind back and forth.

One of your Monkey’s favorite type of bumper sticker is the “I’d Rather Be..” sticker. You know the ones–

  • “I’d rather be…surfing.”
  • “I’d rather be knitting”
  • “I’d rather rooting for Alabama football.”

Those are all well and good, but what about individuals like your humble Monkey who have their own set of hobbies and beliefs?

Who is making bumper stickers for them?

To that end, here are some of the “I’d Rather Be…” Bumper Stickers that your Monkey would make if he ran his own printing press.

I’d rather be….

  • Sleeping in late
  • Working from home
  • Double checking the locks
  • Avoiding the phone and shredding the mail
  • Seeking professional treatment for agoraphobia

I’d rather be….

  • Playing with my kids
  • On a family vacation
  • The world’s second greatest dad (#1 is a lot to live up to! LOL)
  • Creating unrealistic expectations for my son
  • Throwing a tantrum at a Little League game
  • Fist-fighting Connor’s dad in the parking lot
  • Cleared of all manslaughter charges

I’d rather be…

  • Donating to a charity in your name (with your money, too!)
  • Asking you to sponsor my fun run
  • Begging you for a loan
  • Declaring bankrupcty
  • Financially solvent

I’d rather be….

  • Back on my honeymoon
  • A newlywed forever
  • Still married
  • A winner in the divorce settlement
  • Comfortable with the female touch
  • A postmature ejaculator
  • Anything but so terribly alone
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

More “I’d Rather Be…” Bumper Stickers I’d Like To Make

As your Monkey explained in his previous post, he often sees whimsical “I’d Rather Be…” bumper stickers on other cars when he is out and about. You know the ones…

  • “I’d rather be…at a yard sale”
  • “I’d rather be…surfing”
  • “I’d rather be…in Colorado”

But your Monkey does not surf, does not visit yard sales all that often, and has no strong compulsion to visit Colorado.

Since there does not seem to be the perfect “I’d rather be…” bumper sticker for his unique tastes and hobbies, he will likely have to make his own.

Here is the list he is considering sending off to Cafe Press.

I’d rather be..

  • sipping a latte
  • doing the jumble
  • dressed like Abraham Lincoln
  • built like Mary Todd Lincoln
  • robbing a stagecoach
  • persecuting others for their religious beliefs
  • shuffling pedophile priests between parishes
  • orchestrating a Ponzi scheme
  • outside the legal jurisdiction of the US government
  • cycling onto steroids
  • trading government contracts for cash and prostitutes
  • the despotic dictator of a South American banana republic
  • at a backyard cockfight

“I’d Rather Be…” Bumper Stickers That I’d Like to Make

From time to time your Monkey will see cars on the road with those whimsical “I’d rather be…” bumper stickers on the back. You know the ones I mean

  • I’d rather be sailing
  • I’d rather be golfing
  • I’d rather be in Cancun

That’s all well and good for some people, but what about your humble Monkey? He does not golf. He does not sail. He has never visited Cancun. Should he be denied the pleasure of a whimsical bumper sticker simply because his tastes are a little different?

The following are some more “lifestyle-appropriate” bumper stickers that I’d like to have made for my car:

  • I’d rather be………playing guitar
  • I’d rather be………walking my dogs
  • I’d rather be……..quilting
  • I’d rather be……..relentlessly promoting my right wing agenda
  • I’d rather be…….bankrupting America by trading mortgage futures
  • I’d rather be…….a member of an all male social club
  • I’d rather be………tailgating you! Seriously, though, back the fuck off
  • I’d rather be………carrying a loaded hangun
  • I’d rather be………operating over the influence
  • I’d rather be………stalking my ex-girlfriend from a distance closer than 400 feet
  • I’d rather be…….conducting morally irresponsible genetic experiments on identical twins
  • I’d rather be……poaching baby elephants to make tiny ivory piano keys
  • I’d rather be………transporting a minor across state lines for the purpose of sexual congress
  • I’d rather be………an unRegistered Sex Offender LOL!