Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work

More Facebook Posts That I’d Like to Make

From time to time, your Monkey is seized with the sudden impulse to post something on Facebook that may not be a wise choice for his personal and professional life. Sometimes these posts are uncomfortably personal, sometimes they contain opinions that the so-called “moral majority” might not agree with, and sometimes they are downright unseemly.

Therefore, in order to relieve his mind of the urge to share this information, your Monkey posts them here in the safety and anonymity of this widely unread blog.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

  • Would gladly accept a crippling meth habit if it could get this work day to go by faster
  • Is thinking about getting on the organ donor transplant list now (pre-need), so he’ll have a jump on the competition if any part of his body starts to go
  • Is likely to scream “don’t you eyeball fuck me” at the next person who glances too long at him in the company garage
  • Is going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and if all goes well, then take it higher
  • Built this city on rock and roll, along with steel, concrete, copper piping, asphalt and a top-notch urban planning commission
  • Doesn’t want to wait for our lives to be over
  • Just bought new screenwriting software but sadly finds his mind bereft of good ideas
  • Takes it personally when you change lanes without using your blinker
  • With all apologize to laughter, is pretty sure that medicine is the best medicine
  • Is wondering if anyone knows how long it takes for a balloon filled with heroin to pass through your system
  • Is thinking it might have been smarter to tie a tighter balloon knot
  • Is feeling incredibly warm and incredibly sleepy
  • SSsssssssssskghnnhdhahlglsawhef
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

More Facebook Status Updates I’d Like to Make

From time to time, your Monkey feels compelled to make Facebook status updates that could prove to be embarrassing, incriminating and/or detrimental to his personal life. Rather than post them in real life and expose himself to the scorn, ridicule and legal actions of others, he uses this anonymous forum to get them off his chest.

The following are Facebook status updates I’d like to make

The Grumpiest Monkey…

  • Has more than one Celine Dion song on his iPod
  • Always feels like somebody’s watching me (and I have no privacy)
  • Would like to try his hand at figure skating
  • Has few financially valid career prospects
  • Has even fewer romantic prospects
  • Would like to score a little peyote
  • Is contemplating starting a religious death cult, paramilitary group or a gardening club
  • After a long and painful legal battle with Kris Kross, is finally willing to concede that “inside out” is in fact wiggedy, wiggedy, wiggedy wack
  • Enjoys a smug and unwarranted sense of moral superiority
  • Finds jellyfish to have a certain understated erotic allure
  • Is hoping to buy Galapagos tortoise eggs on the black market
  • Wishes every day was ‘Dress like a pirate day”
  • Is about to be possessed by the sounds of MC Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Facebook Status Updates I’d Like to Make

Due to the rules of so-called “polite society,” your humble Monkey can’t always say what’s on his mind when it comes to updating his real-world Facebook status.

People might complain if they knew what really lurked in the dark recesses of his Monkey mind.

So rather than posting these updates on a social network for the world to see (and pass judgment on), your Monkey will instead use this humble forum to get these statuses off of his fuzzy monkey chest.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

  • Would rather be drunk
  • Is drunk
  • Is pretending not to be drunk at work
  • Thinks your breasts are looking first-class today
  • Would like to dress the entire female population in yoga pants
  • Must have angered the turd gods
  • Thinks cannibalism is unfairly stigmatized
  • Is craving some delicious monkey meatballs
  • Wouldn’t mind some baboon baloney
  • Would have a hard time saying no to a chimpanzee cupcake
  • Stumbled across a pagan sacrifice in the park
  • Participated in that pagan sacrifice
  • Now owes a goat a serious apology

Things I Don’t Care About

I don’t care about Facebook and Youtube videos and writing blogs and Twitter accounts.

I don’t care about Linked In and and networking for jobs.

I don’t care for job recruiters.

I don’t care about new social media trends and online networking and “going viral.”

I don’t care about fantasy football and keeper leagues and knockout drafts and online gambling.

I don’t care about and college basketball rankings.

I don’t care about diversifying my 401K plan and investing in real estate and cutting costs by eliminating unnecessary expenses.

I don’t care that the price of a cup of coffee adds up to $15 a week which is $60 a month and $1,800 a year.

I don’t care that my math is wrong in the above example.

I don’t care to do the right multiplication.

I don’t care about reconnecting with old friends and text messaging and RSS feeds and getting email on my phone.

I don’t care about high definition sports and on-demand programming and live streaming video.

I don’t care about the NFL Red Zone channel because it jumps around too fast.

I just don’t care about all this crap no more.

Shameless self indulgence

Seven Reasons Why I Haven’t Been Able to Post Until Now

Despite what you may have heard, your Monkey is not some excuse-mongering hypocrite who goes around explaining away his personal shortcomings by blaming others and pointing his non-opposable digits at any convenient target.

That being said, it is possible that some or all of these reasons are valid excuses for not having posted in nearly a week.

  1. A series of extra-long meetings at your Monkey’s day job have taken him out of his usual podcast-powered isolation tank of typing and proofreading. With no time to listen to podcasts, he hasn’t been able to find much worth sharing. It’s not like he has his own ideas.
  2. Pressure of following up 100th post anniversary spectacular was almost too much to bear.
  3. Time usually spent blogging was instead spent responding to enthusiastic inquiries from potential employees, graciously accepting civic awards, and politely declining calls to run for political office.
  4. Time usually spent blogging was instead used to create an elaborate fantasy world that has no bearing on reality (see reason 3).
  5. In angry response to oversaturated & overstimulated web world of blogs and Facebook pages and twitter feeds, your Monkey decided to join a group of radical anachronists who communicate only through 140-character Morse Code messages.
  6. Fatalistic “just waiting around to die”  lifeview of Monkey’s 93-year-old grandmother temporarily stole his will to write (and possibly to live).
  7. Sometimes the ideas just don’t come.