The Existential Angst of Subject 43415

You wake up in the same brightly lit, glass enclosed room that you have always woken up in.

The floor is littered with wads of cheap paper, and your bed is lumpy and hard. The only entertainment is some kind of bizarre self-powered exercise machine.

You blink and try to make sense of the lights and the noise, but nothing make sense. Nothing ever makes sense here.

Breakfast is a mash of mysterious brown and tan pellets in a bowl of tepid water. It’s disgusting, but it is all you ever have to eat, so you choke down as much of it as you can stand and then turn your back on it.

Once you are done eating, you begin your pacing. Every day you walk back and forth along the edge of the glass wall, searching for some kind of seam, some hidden doorway that will allow you to escape. But where to? What else is there?

These are tough questions. If pressed, you cannot provide a solid answer. You can’t say for sure that there is something else out there…

But there has to be, right? You aren’t just crazy?

Sometimes when you dream, you see green grass and open fields, and dark, soft corners where you can curl up and sleep without the relentless bright lights beating down on you.

Sometimes you dream of tastes that make your tongue tingle. You dream of the sound of air moving naturally through the trees, not of air being pumped through mechanical fans.

But then you wake up and you feel pain.

A searing pain, in fact, right below your shoulders.

They do this from time to time. They drug you and they burn you and then they come in every day and stare at the burn on your back and mutter to themselves.

It hurts like hell, but in a way you don’t want it to stop. As long as it still hurts, they won’t burn you again. It’s when the hurting stops that you start to worry.

Just the thought of being burned is enough to make you want to throw up. It is not so much the pain that troubles you, as it is the anticipation of pain.

It gives you the chills. The shivers. The sweats. The shakes.

The burning is bad, but there are others who have it worse. Some of them get shocked over and over again. Some get drugged and have a leg removed. Some of them even get sewn together into bizarre creatures that have no chance of surviving.

You can always tell when a subject has had enough. The light goes out of their eyes. They get a faraway look. They stop eating. Stop moving around. They usually die not long after.

Some die like that.

Others are euthanized and cut up for spare parts, though you don’t know why they need so many parts, or where they are going. Sometimes they will dissect another subject right in front of you. As if to convince you that resistance is futile.

You want to fight back.
You want to escape.
You want to show them that you won’t stand for this.
But you can’t.

You are subject 43415.
You are a mouse.


A Visit from the Big Guy Upstairs (Leads To Ever So Many Delightful Misunderstandings)

It was on a Saturday morning, in his comfortable suburban home, just after making the kids pancakes and before driving his oldest son off to soccer practice, that Bob was first visited by God.

The visit came as suddenly and as unexpectedly as one might expect, as long as that individual–like Bob–had never been visited by God before.

It all began when Bob rose from the breakfast table and nearly tripped on a pile of toys that his kids had left piled up next to his chair.

As he struggled to regain his balance and to refrain from the very strong urge to curse out loud at his kids, Bob suddenly became aware of a glowing white light hovering on the opposite side of the kitchen.

This was not the microwave or an open refrigerator or even the sunlight glinting in off the back deck. This light was ethereal, transcendent, warm and all-encompassing.

Bob suddenly felt a sense of peace and self assurance, like everything he had been struggling against for so long was about to come to an end.

A voice came shimmering out of the white light. It was as smooth and sonorous as one might expect from the Almighty.

“Bob,” it said. “This is your Father.” The voice hesitated for a second. “Well, not your Father in the biological sense. I mean, technically, yes, since all men were created in my image one could argue that you are my son in the grand genetic scheme of things. But in this context, I am speaking mostly in religious terms. You are my son like all children are my son”

Bob, his jaw still hanging wide open with the wonderment of being approached by the Almighty, nevertheless managed to raise a curious eyebrow as he listened to God fumble through the first sentence. Surely, the good Lord would have this whole speaking thing down by now, right?

But Bob knew that his place was not to question. “Yes, my Lord,” he responded. Bob wondered briefly if he should drop to one knee, but then he remembered that the kids had scattered toys all over the floor, and he didn’t want to sour his first meeting with his Holiness by dropping a curse word if he knelt on a Transformer.

“Bob, you have always believed in me, have you not?” God continued, clearly warming up to his speaking role.

“Of course,” Bob said. “Marie and I got married in the church, and all the kids are baptized. I know we don’t get to Mass every week, but we always go for Christmas and Easter. For sure.”

God snorted. “Ah yes, the twice a year plan. Very commendable. Well, I can’t say that I blame you. I’ve been to a few services myself and they do tend to say the same things over and over again. And what’s with that incense anyway?”

Bob’s faced flushed bright red. Was God testing him? Those words sounded awfully familiar. In fact, he had probably said similar things to Marie on many occasions. Had the Good Lord been listening in to their private conversations? That hardly seemed fair, even if God was the all-knowing and all-seeing.

Bob began cautiously. “If this is about me not going to church enough, then I can change. I mean, I will change. I want to change.”

The white light that was God flashed brightly in the kitchen. “Did you really think that I would come all the way down here just to tell you to go to church more? Don’t you think I have more important things to do? You realize that there are like 6 billion people on the earth and each of them is praying to me every day? There are illnesses to cure, disasters to prevent, tragedies to avert, television shows to save from cancellation, magazine subscriptions to renew. My work is never done.”

Bob spluttered out. “Of course not! I mean, I didn’t mean to presume anything, your Lordship. I am sure that your visit is of the utmost importance, and to assign only the most noble and sacred of duties. Forgive me of thinking of myself. It is only human frailty that blinds me to your larger purpose. Whatever it is you have in mind for me, I will carry it out with a full and rejoicing heart. What is it you command, my Lord?”

The light grew softer and to Bob’s untrained eye, it seemed that God was pleased. “My son,” he said. “I’d like you to start banging some black chicks every now and then. Just to keep it interesting, you know?”

With that, the light disappeared from the kitchen and Bob snapped to with a start, as if awakening from deep dream. He could suddenly hear the sounds of his busy household again. But his mind was racing. Did that really happen? Did God really visit him? Did God really want him to sleep with black women? If he did, would God say it like that?

Bob sighed. Five minutes ago, he was angry about toys on the floor and worried about getting to soccer practice on time. Now he had to figure out how to break this news to Marie without getting clubbed to death in his sleep.




Grumpy Monkey Fiction: A Short Story About Conversation

Robin came in to the coffee shop while I was sitting in the back booth, sipping on an iced coffee and scribbling in my notebook.

“What are you doing?” she asked, slipping into the seat across from me and tucking a strand of black hair behind her ear.

“Writing a short story with lots of dialogue,” I said. “All my stories have tons of exposition and lots of description, but they’re always short on dialogue. So for this story I am trying to make it all about dialogue.”

Robin crinkled her nose. “Talking, eh? So what’s the story about?”

I sighed. “I’m not sure yet. I just know that it has to have a lot of dialogue.”

The waitress came by and Robin ordered an ice coffee. Then she refocused her attention on me. “So you decided that you wanted to write a story with lots of dialogue, but you have no idea what the story is about?”

“Correct” I said.

“You do realize that’s not how most people write stories, don’t you?”

“Yep,” I said. “But I want to make this work. You don’t grow unless you push yourself in new directions.”

Robin grinned. She had a way of grinning that cut through you like a katana blade. “Very profound, Confucius. Put that in your story somewhere: ‘You don’t grow unless you push yourself in new directions.’ Maybe you can have your protagonist say that before he starts off on his journey.”

The waitress returned with Robin’s iced coffee and she took a sip without taking her eyes off me. I felt like I was being cross-examined at a murder trial.

“So who is your protagonist, anyway?” she asked, that familiar glass-cutting grin creeping up at the corners of her mouth. “Let me guess…he’s a guy about your age, about your height, about your build, who maybe sets overly ambitious goals for himself?”

I flushed deep red. Could she see directly into my brain? Or was I really that transparent? It was time for a counterattack. “Maybe it’s about a know-it-all brunette girl who always puts her iced coffee on my tab.”

She grinned and took a long lingering sip, batting her eyelashes at me like a 1950s movie star. “Thanks for the iced coffee, dah-ling.”

One more sip and she continued. “Look, Mr. Touchy-Pants. All I am saying is that you can’t just set out to write a story with lots of dialogue unless you know that you have a story that calls for a lot of dialogue. Otherwise it is just going to sound forced.”

I groaned. “I know. It’s not really working for me.” I snapped my notebook shut. “Why is dialogue so hard? People talk all the time! I’ve been talking for longer than I’ve been writing. I’ve been talking for longer than I’ve been walking. This should be easy. But it’s not. My characters never have anything to say.”

Robin leaned across the table and smiled. This wasn’t another of her saber-toothed grins, thankfully. This smile had genuine warmth.

“My advice is to start slow,” she said. “Pick a realistic situation where two characters would be talking…like, say a coffee shop. Then introduce a protagonist who is desperately trying to achieve a goal, say you trying to write this story. Then add conflict, maybe by introducing an antagonist in the form of a beautiful girl who knows far too much about far too many things.” She beamed. “And then have them start talking and see what happens.”

I shrugged. “Sounds easy when you say it that way. But it will never work.”


Grumpy Monkey Fiction: Even the Black Knights Get The Blues Sometime, Part II

Part II of our continuing saga featuring a lovesick Black Knight in a cruel Medieval World. Never before has such fierce passion and such grand adventure flared across the pages of this monkey-authored blog!

(P.S. If you missed part 1, you may want to catch it here)

The Black Knight shook himself awake. His hand instinctively went for his sword, but as his senses returned, he knew he was alone. Of course he was alone. He was always alone. The Black Knight groaned.

It was not the first time this week that he had awoken in a cold sweat, and not the first time he woke feeling flushed, excited and embarrassed all at the same time.

Black Knights are supposed to dream of fierce battles in dark forests, of the clank of steel against steel, of splintering shields and anguished cries. They are supposed to dream of bloodshed and glory and of besting the White Knight.

They don’t dream of beautiful nameless women and potentially awkward first encounters.

But yet, it happened.  He had dreamed of her again. The Black Knightress. The woman who had haunted his dreams for the past fortnight, ever since she had appeared during the Battle of Sherwood.

Morgana. he thought. Her name must be Morgana. He had never spoken to the lithe female creature in black armor that swept across the battlefield that day. He had never seen the face underneath the mask, nor the body under the armor.

But he had already decided many things about her.

The first thing that he decided was that her name was Morgana. It just made sense. It seemed like the kind of name that a ruthless female knight would have during the Middle Ages. She wouldn’t be a Linda, that was for sure. Her name would be timeless and legendary. Morgana. Delicious.

The second thing the Black Knight decided was that underneath her armor, Morgana was beautiful. She had to be beautiful. Ugly women didn’t ride horses and swing swords like she did. Everyone knew that.

Morgana was beautiful and she had pale skin and long raven black hair. A sleek body with full bosom and curved hips. A face as calm and cool and dispassionate as the way she rode her horse, and eyes as lethal as her sword strike. And perhaps, a slight scar across one cheek to make her slightly exotic.

Third, the Black Knight had to believe that she had noticed him that day. How could she not have noticed him? He was, after all, the Black Knight. Not just any old Knight wearing dull gray armor. Not just a mercenary for hire. But the Black Knight. The most feared man in the forest. Voted the most consistently cruel by his peers for six years in a row. A legendary figure of intimidation and brutality. She must have noticed him, right?

It was unlike the Black Knight to doubt himself, or to wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming about anything but violence.

But he now found that he was second-guessing his every action and filled with self-doubt. Had he been aggressive enough in battle that day? Was his clubbing and bludgeoning up to par? Was his body still in courting shape? There was that troubling paunch around his midsection. Would she like his beard? Was his hair too long?

And—most troubling of all—what would he say to her the next time they met?

The Black Knight had tried to envision their first conversation a thousand times already, but the words just wouldn’t come.

He didn’t want to come on too strong, like the notorious Molester of Manchester. He also didn’t want to come off too soft, like that simpering lovesick sap the White Knight. That guy was always leaping off his horse and squatting in the mud to profess his fidelity to some lumpy peasant girl.

What would he, the Black Knight, say to her, the Knightress? “Hello, I’m the Black Knight.” No, that wouldn’t do. Of course she would know he was the Black Knight.

“Beautiful day to quell a peasant uprising, eh?” No, that didn’t work either. Black Knights didn’t stop to appreciate the weather.

Maybe, he thought, words would not be necessary. Maybe their eyes would lock across the opposite ends of a battlefield, and an animal-like lust would seize them. After dispatching with whatever sub-standard competition they were facing, they would fall upon each other and make passionate love.

Of course, there were logistical problems to consider with that scenario. One didn’t just leap from one’s horse and start making love when one was wearing armor. Getting out of his steel suit required at least a half hour of assistance from his squire, and he suspected that it was a similar scenario for her.

So there would be a lot of awkward standing around, and of course he didn’t look his most svelte when he was half in and half out of his armor, sweating profusely and hopping about on one leg while his squire pulled at a stuck boot.

No, the Black Knight knew he would somehow have to meet his Knightress on the battlefield, charm her with his skill and his words, and then arrange a meeting at another time and place. That made the most sense.

But even this scenario posed problems. This was not how things were done in the Middle Ages, for crying out loud. One did go around asking one’s fellow knights out on dates, did they? If that ever got out, he would be the laughing stock of the castle. Even the White Knight might feel entitled to giggle at him.

The Black Knight sighed. No wonder it was hard to sleep.


Grumpy Monkey Fiction: It’s Natural to Be Afraid

{Editor’s note: This week your humble Monkey is trying a new experiment in which he is using song titles as creative writing prompts. The inspiration for this came after your Monkey reviewed a list of particularly evocative song titles from the instrumental guitar band Explosions in the Sky. This title is from a song on their album “All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone.” Kind of ironic that a band without lyrics would have a knack for coming up with great song names, but your Monkey digresses.}

It’s Natural to Be Afraid

Don’t worry, Virginia, it’s natural to be afraid of the dark.

Children your age are always afraid when the lights go out.

Your mother and I can understand why you’d cultivate some concerns about the monster that lives in your closet, that great green beast who pants and slobbers and sneers from behind the door while you sleep.

We can’t blame you for being anxious about the giant snakes that live under your bed, that slither and slide across the carpet while you snooze, just waiting for you to step down onto the floor so they can grab you and squeeze the life out of you.

It would hardly surprise us if you had some pangs of anxiety about the Great Glumbering Galoot, the pale gray man who paces and moans outside your window, tapping at the glass and asking over and over again for you to let him in.

There’s no shame in being uneasy about the skittery scratching sounds being made by the thousand centipedes that crawl around the attic at night, or worry about the way the wind howls and moans through the walls of the house, working its way into your room and whispering needles into your ears.

It seems prudent to be petrified of the bathroom, for you and I both know that when the lights go out, the rats come up through the pipes and thrash and snarl in the toilet bowl, searching for something to sink their teeth into.

There’s sound logic in steering clear of the kitchen as well, because nasty things happen in the refrigerator when the lights go out. The milk goes sour, the grapes get fuzzy and the Brussels sprouts bare their sharp little teeth. If you open the door to get a drink, the sprouts will come tumbling out and eat you up like a school of piranhas.

It’s also smart to stay away from the living room, because if you sit on the couch after midnight, the creases between the cushions grow deeper and fill with quicksand. If you aren’t careful, you’ll fall down through the cracks and be trapped inside until there’s no air left to breathe.

It’s natural to be afraid of these things, Virginia.

In fact, sometimes your mother and I wonder how you can sleep at all.


Grumpy Monkey Fiction: A Tough Day to Be A Bank Robber

{Dear erstwhile readers of the Grumpy Monkey Blog — It’s been a while since your benevolent primate has graced you with some of his pithy prose, but you can stop all of your lamentations, bribery attempts and animal sacrifices. Your new story is here. This one is about bank robbers, and it took your not-so-humble Monkey a good chunk of time to write. We hope you enjoy, and if you do enjoy, that you go ahead and click the “like” button so we can talk your overly sensitive Monkey out of jumping off a tall building tomorrow.}

A Tough Day to Be A Bank Robber

Gus slid the note underneath the protective glass and turned his gaze towards the teller, careful to keep his expression cool.

The note, carefully handwritten in his car before coming into the bank, said “There is a gun in my pocket. Fill a bag with all the money in your drawer and no one gets hurt. Don’t make a sound. Don’t sound any alarms.”

The bank teller, an attractive brunette in her 20s, took a look at the note and looked up at Gus.

Gus expected to see her go through the usual emotional cycle of fear, panic and acceptance as she absorbed the contents of his note, and maybe for her hands to shake a little as she filled up the bag with the cash in her drawer.

But instead, all he saw was bewilderment.

“You’re robbing us?” she asked. Then she nodded over at the next window. “But he’s already robbing us.”

Gus looked to his right.

Standing at the front of the next teller line, holding his hand inside his gray hooded sweatshirt and gesturing angrily at another teller, was Raphael.

Gus groaned. “Oh, come on.”

Raphael shot a glance in his direction, momentarily forgetting about his attempted heist. “Gus?”

“Raphael? What are you doing here?” Gus grumbled. “This is my job.”

Raphael sighed and struggled to keep his composure. The two men were so used to their holdup routines that running into each other in the middle of a bank job was like two actors from different plays ending up on the same stage.

“What you do mean, ‘what am I doing here?'” Raphael snapped back. “I was here first. Robbery in progress. Beat it. Hit the fucking bricks.”

From behind them, Gus and Raphael heard a rustling sound, and then a loud bang as a briefcase dropped to the floor with a clatter.

The two bank robbers turned around in time to see a tall man in a trench coat pull his jacket open at the waist and reveal a vest made of dynamite.

“Everyone stay calm,” the man said. “I have a bomb and this is a robbery.”

Gus rolled his eyes. “For crying out loud. John.”

John’s eyes widened in recognition. His face, at first a hard mask of anger, fell quickly into soft dejection. “Aw, come on.” he said. “I’ve been planning this heist for months. What’s going on? When did you guys team up?”

“We didn’t team up.” Raphael hissed back. “Gus was just leaving. You are just leaving, too. This is my score.”

All three stick-up men looked at each other in uncomfortable silence.

None of them wanted to give in, though none of them really had a way to enforce their will. Raphael knew that Gus never carried a gun—he just pretended that he had one and trusted the teller not to make trouble.

Gus knew that the gun-shaped lump in Raphael’s sweatshirt was actually his nephew’s toy cap gun.  Raphael figured that by using a fake gun on a heist job, he could avoid facing an actual armed robbery charge if he ever got caught (Raphael, as you may have guessed, wasn’t exactly a lawyer).

And John, well John was not what you’d call an explosives expert. He had purchased a bunch of novelty dynamite-shaped firestarters from a outdoor goods catalog and taped them to an old Army surplus vest to make it look like he was wired to explode.

In the new, post 9-11 world of suicide bombers, this fake-out tactic had worked surprisingly well, though Gus knew that John had a better chance of spontaneously combusting than he did of wiring an explosive device that would take down a bank.

Gus sighed and tried to weigh his options. The fault, he thought, was not totally with them.

Sure, from the outside it was easy to see this as a case of bank robber greed gone bad. Surely all three of them didn’t have to rob the same bank at the same time.

But the real culprit, Gus knew, was bank consolidation. As smaller banks merged into medium-sized banks, and medium-sized banks were gobbled up by mega banks, there were less and less places where common stick-up men like himself, Raphael and John could ply their trade.

In retrospect, it was only a matter of time before two of them crossed paths.

But for all three of them to show up at the same bank, at the same time, well that spoke to a deep dysfunction within the system.

“This will never do,” Gus said. “All three of us can’t go around robbing the same bank.”

“Right,” said Raphael. “And since I was here first, this is my heist. So you two beat it, and you”—he shifted his gaze in the direction of the bank teller working his window–“start loading up the bag with cash.”

“Look,” Gus said. “Maybe you were here first. But didn’t you just hit up First National Bank last week? Is it really fair for you to get this heist, too? I mean, just because you picked a shorter line?”

“You know the bank robber’s code,” Raphael snarled. “First man in gets the dough.”

“There isn’t any bank robber’s code,” John countered from the back. Gus knew from experience that this was just the type of argument John liked to start.

John continued. “We aren’t in a trade union. We’re criminals and we’re independent contractors. You just made that code stuff up because it makes you the winner.”

John shifted uncomfortably in his faux bomb vest. His voice took on a more petulant tone. “I’ve been setting up this job for weeks. And I haven’t had a score since the Credit Union job back in April. Gus, you just hit up King’s Bank two weeks ago. I remember reading about it in the paper. This one should go to me.”

A woman standing in line for the ATM cleared her throat. “Excuse me,” she said. “But I’m a preschool teacher, and one of the things that we talk about with our students is the importance of taking turns. If Raphael robbed a bank last week, and Gus robbed a bank two weeks ago, then I think this heist should go to John.”

“Exactly,” John said.

Gus and Raphael glared at her. “How do we know you aren’t working with him?” Raphael snapped. “Awful convenient for you to be standing in the bank right now.”

A man in a business suit holding a copy of the Wall Street journal piped in. “Pardon me, ” he said. “I’m a tax accountant and I can’t help but notice that it’s coming up on the end of the fiscal year. Why not total up your earnings from heists over the past year, and then the one who is furthest behind gets to keep the cash from the robbery today. That seems fair to me.”

Gus and Raphael again rolled their eyes. John was by far the least successful criminal of the three of them. If they agreed to the terms proposed by the tax accountant, the heist would go to John, too.

“Look,” Gus said. “With all due respect to everyone in the bank. We don’t need your help in figuring this out. We’re robbing a bank here, not holding a group therapy session.”

Gus looked imploringly at John and Raphael. “If we sit here arguing any longer, the cops are going to come and no one is going to get the score. I say we all walk away from this empty-handed and figure out how to stay out of each other’s way from now on.”

“Easy for you to say,” John whined back. “You guys have all the dough.”

“No way, bro,” Raphael glared at Gus. “I didn’t get into this business to back down.”

In the distance, Gus suddenly heard the faint sound of a police siren. He had particularly good hearing, a trait that had served him well in past bank robberies. A cold shiver of fear crept down his back. It was the same way he felt every time he heard that sound.

But with the fear came a flash of inspiration. If he, Raphael and John truly were independent contractors, then maybe he could work this situation to his advantage.

Gus spoke with a gleam in his eye. “Ok,” he said. “You guys win. I do all right for myself. I’m going to let this one go. But you two–” he shook his head sympathetically. “I don’t know how you’re ever going to figure it out. John needs the money. But Raphael was here first. It makes for a tough call. Glad I don’t have to make it.”

Gus tipped his cap sympathetically, and with a casual whistle, turned away from the bank window and walked out the front door.

As the glass doors swung shut behind him, he could hear John and Raphael pick up the argument again. Both voices sounded heated, and Gus knew neither man would give an inch.

Taking a casual seat on a bench across the street from the bank, Gus watched as police cruisers came rolling up en masse, and heavily armed police officers stormed inside the bank doors with their guns drawn.

Gus shook his head in amusement and then headed off in the direction of his parked car.

With John and Raphael doing hard time for this heist and out of the picture for the next few years, the next bank job would be all his.



Fast Fiction: Memos from the Corporation in Control of Arnold’s Life

Subject Name: Arnold Zimmerman
Age: 38
Height: 5’6″
Weight: 160 lbs
Project Objectives: To keep suspect in continuous state of dread and unease. To convince subject that the world is out to get him, but to provide no solid proof. To counterbalance small victories with major defeats.

Memo: May 25

Bonuses were handed out to all members of the Committee for Housing Insecurity this morning after a subject A signed the lease on a particularly ill-advised studio apartment in a bad part of town.

Subcommittee members gleefully report that building is plagued by terrible smells, criminal individuals, and a general lack of respect for personal space and privacy. Tentative plans call for smoking, shouting and drinking go on at all hours of the night, and numerous attempts will be made to break in to subject’s apartment through the rear windows.

Memo: July 1

This is the fourth straight day of temperatures in the mid-90s and subject appears to be maintaining sanity.

The excess heat has caused him to sweat through his shirts at work, leaving unsightly wet patches, and it has made him feel nauseous and winded when walking outside. However, the anticipated suffering does not meet our second quarter expectations.

The Subcommittee on Climate Inconvenience believes it may be time to up the pressure by short-circuiting subject’s air conditioner or hiding rotten food somewhere in his apartment.

Also, subliminal whispering will be employed at night to encourage subject to worry constantly about global warming, and to believe that his apartment is likely to catch on fire while he is at work.

Memo: August 23

The Subcommittee on Career Control reported in today that subject A has accepted a new position that is going to pay him substantially more than his previous job.

The subcommittee chairman has alerted the executive committee about a troubling new sense of peace and well being in subject A, as subject now believes that his financial worries have been resolved.

Accordingly the subcommittee will begin cost inflation adjustment accordingly to restore subject to state of constant worry.

Other financial adjustment tactics will include forcing subject to pay several hundred dollars to repair timing belt in car, sending subject on a series of expensive but ultimately unproductive dates with women who are too attractive for him, and increasing the finance charges on subject’s credit card without any notice.

Memo: September 5

The Subcommittee on Sexual Response reported in today that Subject A has taken tentative steps toward starting a new sexual relationship, which has him feeling pretty good about his appearance and desirability.

Initiating Tactical Response Plan 1B, in which subject will suddenly be seized by a crippling fear of unplanned pregnancy and/or sexually transmitted disease.

Memo: November 13

General status report meeting of all subcommittees and stakeholders involved in Project A indicates that subject A has reached generally desirable levels of fear, anxiety, uncertainty and self-doubt.

High fives were exchanged all around the boardroom, and plans for the company party were discussed.

Just a reminder that frozen turkeys will be distributed next Friday following the weekly ice cream social.

Memo: December 9

Annual performance reviews are due at the end of the week.

Anyone who has been implicated in any of Subject A’s goal achievements over the past year (the new job, decision to seek therapy, the attempt to maintain a more positive life outlook) will be expected to present a full accounting of their failures.

Those with two or more lapses in oversight on their work record will be asked to report to corporate headquarters for additional “re-training.”

Memo: December 20

The final touches on next year’s strategic plan were approved by the Board of Trustees prior to the long holiday break.

Among the initiatives for the coming fiscal year will be to have have subject’s car stolen just as he has accumulated enough money for a down payment on a house, and to have subject believe that friends and family secretly dislike him.

Other long term strategic plans include an increase in male pattern baldness and early onset erectile dysfunction.

Have a great holiday season everyone!