Writing

Where this Monkey Stands

What I’m for:

  • Hard work
  • Surfing
  • Kindness
  • Music
  • Good television
  • Real breasts (size be damned)
  • Guitar
  • Patience (even though it is a struggle all the time)
  • Sunshine
  • Dogs (especially Southern rescue mix dogs)
  • Leaf peeping
  • Spotify (for music selection)
  • Tipping
  • Did I mention surfing?
  • Surfing in case I didn’t mention it

What I’m against

  • Organized religion
  • People who cut in line
  • People who don’t hold doors
  • People who don’t clean up after their dogs
  • People who don’t walk their dogs
  • Fast food ( 95% of the time)
  • Fake breasts (chicken or otherwise, see above)
  • Coffee with sugar
  • Country music
  • People from the Northeast who wear cowboy hats and/or boots (see previous)
  • Flourescent lights
  • The Northern Lights (more like the Aurora Boring-alis, am I right guys?)
  • Reality TV shows (unless about surfing)
  • Spotify (for poor artist compensation)
  • Best-of-the-year album lists that trade coolness for listenability (Pitchfork can you hear me?)
  • Ads on YouTube that you can’t skip after 5 seconds
  • ESPN
  • Greyhound racing
  • Greyhound busing
  • 24 hour news network
  • Local news
  • OK, pretty much any televised news unless there is an actual emergency taking place
  • No, a 6″ snowstorm is not an emergency
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Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Self Help Books for Zombies

If you believed today’s crass and simplistic television shows and movies, you’d think that zombies were just mindless automatons whose sole purpose in life is the pursuit of delicious brains to eat.

But that is simply not the case.

If you actually take the time to get to know a zombie– instead of just  running in the opposite direction or trying to lop of their heads with an axe– you’d soon discover that they have a rich inner life that includes introspective thought, searching questions about the meaning of non-life, and a nagging feeling that maybe delicious brains aren’t all there is.

The following self help books for zombies have helped me to see these creatures as not just as re-animated corpses, but reanimated dead people.

  • What to Expect When You’re Decomposing
  • When Bad Things Happen to Dead People
  • Our Dead Bodies, Ourselves
  • How to Eat Friends and Marinate People
  • Who Moved My Brains?
  • The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Zombies
  • Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Zombies are the Reanimated Bodies of the Undead
  • The Road Less Stumbled
  • How to Stop Worrying and Start Un-Living
  • Eat, Prey, Groan
Uncategorized

Titles Previously Considered (and Rejected) for This Blog

OK so some of you (and by some, sadly, I mean none of you) have reached out to your humble Monkey narrator and asked what the name of this blog is all about.

Were this blog to have regular readers, and were they to ask questions of the author, those questions would likely include…”Are you truly a monkey? Are you truly grumpy? Why that name? Why now?”

Thus to satisfy this entirely self-fabricated curiosity, your Monkey thought this would be an appropriate time to dig back through his notebook and list some of the names he considered but ultimately rejected for this blog.

Primates:

  • The Glummest Gorilla
  • The Crabbiest Chimpanzee
  • The Orneriest Orangutang
  • The Moodiest Macaque
  • The Crankiest Capuchin

Backyard Mammals

  • The Most Miserable Mole
  • The Scowling Squirrel
  • The Constantly Complaining Chipmunk
  • The Badger of Bad Feelings
  • The Skunk of Being Down in a Funk

Birds

  • The Robin of Rancor
  • The Bluebird of Bad Intentions
  • The Oriole of Original Sin
  • The Unpleasant Pheasant
  • The Jerky Turkey
  • The Snickering Chicken

Single Celled Organisms

  • The Angriest Amoeba
  • The Increasingly Paranoid Paramecium
  • The Self-Flagellating Flagellate
  • The Sporadically Upset Sporozoan
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Work, Writing

My Business Plan (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Save the Octopus)

Your Monkey knew that if he lived back at home for long enough, a solution to his financial woes and career uncertainty would present itself. No, he will not be investing in gold bonds, corn futures, real estate or shipping companies.

Instead, he will be marketing a new set of “In Case of Emergency” stickers to your less traditional pet owner and collecting enthusiast.

Let’s face it, the current pet emergency sticker (shown above) is hopelessly and some might say laughably out of touch with today’s progressive pet owner.

Not every John Q. Pet Owner  has your standard dog, cat or bird.

And thus these ho-hum stickers may may leave out some pets that are now finding their way into people’s homes and are just as worthy of being rescued.

The following are the categories your Monkey is planning to add to his new “standard” pet emergency sticker.

In Case of Emergency, Please Save My:

  • Cats
  • Dogs
  • Rabbits
  • Birds
  • Ferrets
  • Lizards
  • Telepathic Octopus
  • African Killer Bees
  • South American Homicidal Hedgehogs
  • Electric Eels
  • Solar Power Salamanders
  • Coal-Fired Cuttlefish
  • Dodo Birds
  • Passenger Pigeons
  • Sasquatch Babies
  • Human-Ape Hybrids
  • Human-Alien-Hybrids
  • Human-Alien-Ape Tribrids
  • Gold-Hoarding Dragon
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

Lesser-Known Cousins of the Bluebird of Happiness

Sure, we all know that human beings used animals to represent certain emotions, political beliefs, economic attitudes and social themes. Doves are a symbol for peace, Democrats are donkeys and Republicans are elephants.

And who could forget that Bluebird of Happiness?

But speaking as he sometimes does for the rest of the animal kingdom, your Monkey would be remiss if he did not share his list of lesser recognized (but no less important) cousins of the aforementioned bluebird.

  • The Bear of Bad News
  • The Aardvark of Anti-Social Behavior
  • The Beaver of Bottomless Self Pity
  • The Cow of Catastrophic Thinking
  • The Egret of Regrets
  • The Rabbit of Repetitive Motion Disorders
  • The Ferret of Fetishism
  • The Llama of Lustful Intentions
  • The Goat of Gender Confusion
  • The Treefrog of Terminal Diseases
  • The Duck of Depression

Be on the lookout for these creatures! They are real and chances are one or more of them are lurking in your closet, bathroom or kitchen pantry right now.

Shameless self indulgence, Work, Writing

Things That I Could Live Without For A While

  • Coverage of the Republican primaries
  • The relentless, robotic optimism of Dancing with the Stars Host Tom Bergeron
  • Holiday Traffic
  • Weekday Traffic
  • Parking Lot Traffic
  • Jonah Hill (this includes older, chubbier Jonah Hill and new slim Jonah Hill, as well as the animated voice of Jonah Hill)
  • The local news
  • National cable news
  • Twilight sagas
  • Social media blogs
  • “Copy and paste” form letter Facebook status updates expressing support for obvious causes (i.e. “re-post this if you don’t want puppies to be kicked”)
  • That  Geico caveman (OK, the joke that was mildly funny to begin with has been beaten to death, resurrected, and beaten to death again). Just stop it already.
  • Black Friday Sales (if you all want to line up like sheep at the buttcrack of dawn and elbow each other in the face in a desperate attempt to buy something at an artificially discounted price, be my guest. It’s gross and gluttonous behavior. I’ll be sleeping in.
  • That being said, if you do go out on Black Friday and see a good deal on a flat screen TV, could you grab me one? Thanks!
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

In Case You Don’t Have Any Worries, Here are A Few of Mine

If it just so happens that you woke up this morning without a care in the world, congratulations! It must be nice to have a clear conscience, an enlightened soul, and a positive outlook on life.

Your humble Monkey, on the other hand, produces new worries like the Duggar family produces new babies. (What are we at 22 and counting now?)

And just like those cheeky Duggars, your Monkey sometimes finds himself stretched too thin when it comes to caring for his offspring.

Each worry that he brings into the world needs to be cherished and loved and respected as an individual, not just treated like another mouth to feed.

So if you are one of the enlightened, feel free to approach me about adopting some of these worrisome subjects.

  • Global Warming
  • Global Cooling
  • Global Simmering on a Low Flame for 20 Minutes Until White and Fluffy
  • Bureaucratic Infighting
  • Bureaucratic Cockfighting
  • Mass Hypnosis
  • Mass Psychosis
  • Mass Cellular Mitosis
  • Premature Ejaculation
  • Advanced Ejaculation
  • Post Modern Ejaculation
  • Catholic Pedophilia
  • Collegiate Pedophilia
  • My Irish friend Pete O’ Philia
  • Binge Drinking
  • Binge Shrinking
  • Binge Submarine Sinking

(With apologies to Bob Ducca, whose does far, far, far funnier lists than this almost every day on his podcast, Affirmation Nation. Check it out!)