Shameless self indulgence

Possible Reasons Why I Haven’t Posted for A While

Every so often, your Monkey jumps onto this blog and makes big promises about how he is going to start posting on the regular and how things are going to be different this time. That he is going to dedicate his time and energy to growing his regular readership from no readers to one or two by the end of the year.

But, as usual, these big claims are followed up by crickets and dust bunnies. This blog has sat empty and forgotten while everyone else is out having fun in the summer sun. Why is that?

Is it because your Monkey is a lot better at making promises than he is at keeping them? Is it that his full time job and part time jobs keep him too busy to post? Is that he runs out of ideas for posts faster than Walmart runs out of human dignity on Black Friday?

Perhaps, but perhaps not. Here are some of the activities that have occupied the time he would usually spend on this blog:

  • Writing the great American novel
  • Reading the great American Buzz Feed quiz
  • Eating the great American cheese slice
  • Posting inspirational memes on Facebook
  • Trapping my neighbors, friends and relatives in a Ponzi scheme
  • Rescuing kittens that are trapped in trees
  • Tying kittens to tree branches and then running away giggling
  • Walking like an Egyptian
  • Dressing like a 1980s cop and Walking Like an Egyptian (watch the video and you’ll dig this one)
  • Poaching eggs
  • Poaching tigers
  • Approaching tigers
  • Reproaching tigers for being so mean
  • Creating a passenger train for passenger pigeons
  • Remembering that passenger pigeons are extinct
  • Trying to bring passenger pigeons back to life using pigeon DNA trapped in amber a la Jurassic Park
  • Sorting through rejection letters for new screenplay “Passenger Pigeon Park.”
  • Abandoning plans for sequel; “Pigeons 2: the Passenger Bugaloo”
Shameless self indulgence, Uncategorized, Writing

The Following Things Are Wrong With Me Today

Your humble Monkey is not having the best Monday.

He woke up on the wrong side of his monkey bed, put his monkey trousers on one wrong leg after another, and greeted the day with a scowl, not a smile.

Perhaps these maladies (currently being experienced in glorious unison, like the world’s worst synchronized swimming routine) have something to do with it:

  • Full blown ABS (Awkward Body Syndrome)–It’s is real and it happens to Monkeys all the time. Symptoms include being incredibly skinny, lumpy and bumpy, and being unable to wear normal clothes without them hanging off his body more awkwardly than a hunchback in a hurricane.
  • Blemish on face just under nose and above lip–This is where your Monkey is constantly rubbing his hands while working at computer. Is it any surprise?
  • Overgrown hair on back of neck and ears–This became apparent after close self examination conducted in the bathroom mirror at work. Need to do some touch up work with the clippers, but one can’t really start doing one’s own hair at work, now can we? We will have to wait until the end of the day to remedy this situation, though by then we will have invented some excuse for why we don’t have to cut our hair after all. And so the cycle will begin anew tomorrow.
  • Chapped lips–Early season cold weather means lots of heaters getting turned on (powered up, not sexually aroused, you pervs). Dry winter heat means dry winter skin and lips. Also dry skin on back and chest.
  • Full Blown Narcolepsy— Perhaps your Monkey is just overtired for a Monday, but he can’t seem to keep his eyes open. They are burning red coals and the lids are heavier than 1,000 lead balloons. He would like to crawl under his desk and sleep on the filthy carpet of his cubicle. But he can’t.
  • Sweaty feet— Self explanatory.
  • Sweaty shins — Also self explanatory. But a little more unexpected. Why should shins sweat? Curious.
  • Sore knees— This ailment comes as an unwelcome surprise, seeing as your Monkey skipped all serious workouts during the weekend. Can one get sore knees from wallowing around in self pity? Let’s shoot an email over to the American Medical Association to see if we can’t find that out.
  • Full Blown Depression Is it any wonder?
Shameless self indulgence, Writing

The Following Things Betrayed Me Today

  • Genetics–Hey umm… RNA and DNA and chromosomes and Gregor Mendel and Charles Darwin—-thanks so much for this unholy mess that passes for my physical appearance. I appreciate this little genetic code that you’ve sussed out. No matter how much I work out I just get skinnier and smaller and paler and more feminized.
  • My Computer–all I want to do is apply to one f–king job and the thing keeps freezing up on me. Sure, I have a newer computer, but the old one has the Microsoft Word program that I need to type out the cover letter. Going on hour number two of staring at that cocksucking hourglass already.
  • Drivers in the Breakdown Lane— OK, I know that you’re technically allowed to use the breakdown lane during rush hour, but do you have to use it if all the other lanes are working just fine? Driving in it “just because you can” is stupid and shortsighted and  creates a crowded and dangerous driving situation. No one thinks you’re cool because you’re using the outlaw edge.
  • Genetics--Again, what is with this body? How can one person be so skinny and weak and spotted and pale, and not be classified as some sort of endangered bird?
  • Judas Iscariot— Just kidding, big guy. You’ve never done me wrong and you give the most wonderful kisses on the cheek.
Shameless self indulgence

Seven Reasons Why I Haven’t Been Able to Post Until Now

Despite what you may have heard, your Monkey is not some excuse-mongering hypocrite who goes around explaining away his personal shortcomings by blaming others and pointing his non-opposable digits at any convenient target.

That being said, it is possible that some or all of these reasons are valid excuses for not having posted in nearly a week.

  1. A series of extra-long meetings at your Monkey’s day job have taken him out of his usual podcast-powered isolation tank of typing and proofreading. With no time to listen to podcasts, he hasn’t been able to find much worth sharing. It’s not like he has his own ideas.
  2. Pressure of following up 100th post anniversary spectacular was almost too much to bear.
  3. Time usually spent blogging was instead spent responding to enthusiastic inquiries from potential employees, graciously accepting civic awards, and politely declining calls to run for political office.
  4. Time usually spent blogging was instead used to create an elaborate fantasy world that has no bearing on reality (see reason 3).
  5. In angry response to oversaturated & overstimulated web world of blogs and Facebook pages and twitter feeds, your Monkey decided to join a group of radical anachronists who communicate only through 140-character Morse Code messages.
  6. Fatalistic “just waiting around to die”  lifeview of Monkey’s 93-year-old grandmother temporarily stole his will to write (and possibly to live).
  7. Sometimes the ideas just don’t come.
Work, Writing

Let’s See How this Elance Thing Works Out

Your Monkey is now more determined than ever to find a new job and expand his mind and build his skills and all that good stuff.

There is only so long that one plucky primate can feed the copy monster at his present position before he goes mad.

Madness for your Monkey will not be all giggling and shaking and the ignornant bliss of  being unaware. Your Monkey will not stop showering and start writing love letters to his stapler.

Instead the Madness that comes is a sickness that makes your monkey feel very very low and makes it difficult for him to get through the day. The Madness makes him think that he is locked in an endless, unwinnable battle against the forces of copy entropy.

How many words can you type, how many product offers can you edit, how many inconsistencies and you find and resolve, and how many new problems can you create because you’re asked to handle so many words on a daily basis?

The traditional job market is still as dry as ever, so your Monkey has taken the time to join up with this Elance freelance service to see if any work might come out of there.  Any and all of these freelance writing opportunities that come up on the web seem ripe with the potential for ripoff.

But someone recently wrote a blog post (damned if this Monkey can remember who it was) who compared Elance to a flea market where you will get some of the good, some of the bad, and some in between. You just have to be a careful shopper.

So we will see how it goes. Your Monkey is not looking to get rich for doing nothing, but he would like to develop his skills and perhaps diversify his income.

On the plus side for Elance, there is a long and involved qualifying process that includes a fairly detailed multiple choice test, so it appears that they are at least trying to weed out some of the riff raff.

We shall see what happens.