Your Monkey has been working the Help Wanted ads in an attempt to find a new position that is a better fit for his skills, tastes and financial considerations.
It is not an easy process, my friends.
In today’s highly competitive job market, going on a job interview is similar to being set up on a blind date with a very attractive member of the opposite sex.
He or she probably isn’t going to like you to begin with, and making even the smallest mistake could spell the end of your chances.
Thus when your Monkey had a phone interview for a new position the other day and didn’t get called back for a second round, he had to do some deep soul searching to see if there was anything he did that might have been off-putting.
After an exhausting night of self examination, he was able to identify some tiny faux pas that may have negatively impacted his chances:
So that you can avoid the bitter sting of rejection that has shamed your Monkey today, here are some things to stay away from during your next interview:
- Saying “like” a few too many times
- Being overly negative about your current work situation
- Pointing out the areas in which you are underqualified for the role
- Continuing to eat your lunch of carrots, apples and taffy when the interviewer rings in
- Sucking on cough drops for the rest of the phone call
- Bringing the phone onto the toilet with you (even if it is only to go onesies)
- Hinting that it would be “real cool” if they could be flexible on the whole pre-employment drug screening
- Asking if the company health plan covers anger management classes, gender reassignment surgery, and/or tattoo removals
- Pointing out potential loopholes in the company’s sexual harassment policy
- Asking the interviewer her cup size
- Saying “hopefully out on parole, or at least under a cloud of reasonable doubt” when asked where you see yourself in five years
- Inquiring about the availability of a whites-only water fountain